Stepping into your power and squashing imposter syndrome

Darling, let’s start by celebrating one powerful truth: you’re already leading. Whether you realise it or not, you’ve been at the helm of your marriage for 14 years. Finances and major decisions—those don’t just happen by accident. The strength and wisdom it takes to manage a household’s money? It’s not trivial. So, this idea of an “imposter syndrome” in your female-led relationship (FLR) is just a little voice in your head playing mind games. You’re no imposter, darling—you’re simply evolving.

Now, let’s address the note that brought you here:

“I am new to FLR, I started reading your articles in July this year after my husband of 14 years requested a cage and I agreed. I have led parts of our relationship, such as finances, since the beginning, however, sexually he is much more kinky. I consider myself vanilla with some sprinkles, but I know that I do want this for us. I basically have FLR imposter syndrome right now. What advice do you have for me to boost my sexuality confidence so I can be a better leader?”

First of all, sprinkles are fabulous. Don’t ever underestimate what a little sparkle can do to brighten up any situation. You don’t need to change your core sexuality overnight to lead your husband into deeper, kinkier waters. In fact, your sprinkle-filled vanilla is the perfect foundation to start building something deliciously unique to the two of you.

Let’s talk about the cage. The fact that he’s requested this from you shows a profound level of trust. He craves your control, your authority. But here’s the thing: just because he has kinks doesn’t mean you need to mould yourself to fit into his desires like some ill-fitting dress. FLR is about you taking charge, dictating the rules, and yes, experimenting with that cage if it intrigues you.

So, how do you boost that beautiful confidence of yours and stop feeling like an imposter? Let’s break it down.

1. Redefine Confidence as Curiosity

Forget about having to be an instant expert. No one hands you a manual on how to be a perfect, kinky, dominant woman. You’ll discover your flavour of dominance not by copying others, but by exploring what genuinely excites and empowers you. Think of yourself as a curious queen rather than a know-it-all tyrant. A leader doesn’t need all the answers—she just needs the audacity to ask questions and try new things.

You’re already curious enough to be here, writing to me, asking for more. That is confidence, even if it doesn’t look like the “dominatrix-in-leather” stereotype that’s running wild in your mind. Confidence doesn’t have to be loud, darling—it can be a whisper that grows stronger with each small step you take.

2. Take Ownership of His Request

Yes, the cage was his idea. But now that it’s in your domain, you own it. This is where you begin to reshape the dynamic. The question isn’t “How do I please him with this cage?” The question is: “How do I use this new dynamic to please myself?”

Get playful with it. Keep him on his toes, in more ways than one. The cage can become a tool for you to reinforce the balance of power, and you get to decide how and when it comes into play. Maybe today, he earns a bit more freedom. Maybe tomorrow, he doesn’t. Let the decision rest with you, and you’ll find that leadership becomes more natural—and exhilarating.

3. Vanilla, with a Twist of Authority

I hear you when you say you’re vanilla with sprinkles. That’s perfectly lovely. An FLR doesn’t need to be filled with wild whips and chains if that doesn’t turn you on. Power and control, darling, are sexy in their own right, whether you’re in lace or leather, whether you’re dishing out light discipline or simply telling him to kneel while you enjoy your morning coffee.

The power you already hold—over the finances, over your shared life—is sexy. It’s already there. So when you’re leading him in the bedroom, don’t try to force yourself into his version of kink. Infuse your authority into it, bit by bit. Tell him exactly what you want, and revel in how your desires make him quiver. Your dominance can be as gentle or as firm as you want it to be. The key is that it’s yours.

4. Explore Together, But on Your Terms

Since he’s more experienced with kink, it’s tempting to let him guide you. But in an FLR, you don’t need to follow his script. Tell him how much you’re willing to explore, and make it clear that this journey of discovery is going to happen on your timeline. Make him beg for that exploration if it pleases you.

Start small, darling. Maybe it’s incorporating the cage during a lazy Sunday morning when you’re both lounging around. Maybe it’s wearing your favourite silk while you remind him that you make the rules in this dynamic. Gradually build from there. Remember, his kinks are his; you’re under no obligation to adopt them wholesale. But, if something piques your curiosity, explore it from a place of power.

5. Embrace the Thrill of Being a Work in Progress

Leaders aren’t born—they’re made, through a glorious process of trial and error. You don’t need to be the Queen of Kink overnight. Allow yourself to grow into this role, to test, to play, and yes, even to stumble. There’s nothing sexier than a woman in the process of discovering her power.

Your husband isn’t expecting you to become a new person. He’s already shown his devotion by asking for your leadership, for your control. That tells me you’re more than enough as you are—right now. So, take the crown, darling, adjust it as you see fit, and walk into this next chapter with your head held high. You don’t have to know everything, but you do need to claim what’s already yours.

Questions to ask yourself

Here are a few thought-provoking questions to explore:

1. What turns me on about control?

When you think about being in charge, whether it’s in the bedroom or beyond, what parts of it excite you? Is it his obedience, the way he surrenders, or how he looks to you for direction? This question helps you pinpoint the elements of power that truly resonate with you.

2. How do I want him to express his submission?

Submission comes in many forms. Do you crave physical acts of service, like him attending to your every need? Or maybe it’s more about emotional surrender, where he’s eager to earn your approval? Picture the scenarios that excite you, and start to define the rules that make sense for your dynamic.

3. What small, everyday acts of dominance can I introduce into our routine?

Dominance doesn’t have to be an elaborate production. Sometimes it’s the little things—a look, a command, a decision made with authority. Think of moments in your daily life where you can effortlessly assert your power, like choosing where you go for dinner or what he wears for the day.

4. How do I want to be worshipped?

In an FLR, he’s there to serve you, darling. Whether it’s physical pampering, verbal adoration, or his willingness to put your pleasure first, explore how you want him to show his devotion. What would make you feel like a goddess on your throne?

5. What aspects of sexuality have I not yet explored, and what excites me about them?

This is where you start to step outside your vanilla with sprinkles and consider adding a little more spice. Is there something about teasing, denial, or sensual control that piques your interest? The bedroom is your playground—what rules or dynamics would make it more thrilling for you?

6. What does sexual confidence look like to me?

Envision yourself as sexually empowered. What does that version of you feel like? How does she speak, act, and lead? Is she playful, commanding, or sensual? Start to embody those traits in small ways and watch how they build over time.

7. How can I use my sexuality to create a deeper connection and intimacy with him?

Your dominance isn’t just about control—it’s also about strengthening your bond. Think about how leading him can bring you both closer. What rituals, conversations, or dynamics can deepen your intimacy, while also asserting your sexual authority?

8. What does my pleasure look like when I’m in control?

This is about you, darling. In an FLR, his pleasure often becomes secondary to yours. How does that make you feel? What turns you on when you think about being completely focused on your own enjoyment? Lean into that unapologetic pleasure and how it can guide your leadership.

These questions will invite you to peel back the layers of your desires and confidence. By reflecting on your pleasures and preferences, you will step more fully into your power. Dominance isn’t about perfection—it’s about owning your unique brand of authority with grace, playfulness, and unapologetic joy.

Your sexuality isn’t an imposter. It’s just waiting for permission—from you—to come out and play. You’ve led for years without blinking. This next step is simply a new domain where you get to assert your power. Start with the parts that feel natural, sprinkle in what excites you, and trust that your leadership will flourish.

And as for your husband? He’s lucky to have a woman who’s curious, capable, and ready to lead. So go ahead, darling, and own it.

You were never an imposter. You’re a queen in the making.