In this interview Sarah shares how she uncovered her preference for Female Led Relationships and advice for women interested in exploring a FLR. Thank you to Sarah for taking the time to share her views
Q. How did you first discover you were interested in a Female Led Dynamic?
Like many women I was having difficult expressing myself in traditional male-led relationship where the man is macho and dominant. I hated all the egotistical and chauvinistic behaviour and found it toxic and oppressive to be around. This isn’t a generalisation of all marriages – but it was my experience of several attempts at traditional male/female relationships. They were not working out for me and I began to sense something within me needed expressing. I noticed from a young age that I was the bossy type and I received feedback from early flings relationships to confirm this. I soon discovered I was not only dominant but sexually dominant too.
I began to realise the reason my early relationships had failed was because the dominant side of me was not being addressed, I had no desire for a traditional male-led relationship at home. I’d never been given any information or a safe space to express that side of me and it was beginning to boil over and upset the traditional relationships I was in. I soon learnt that I needed to find out more about this side of myself if I was to be successful in any relationships.
By this time, I was in my twenties and I started reading lots of articles, blogs and books on Dominant Women and in doing so came across the Female Led Relationship (FLR). I knew after researching this subject for some time I needed a FLR going forward and a partner that would support and encourage that side of me. I was sceptical at first and never thought there would be any men out there that would prefer the woman to rule the roost, I was so wrong.
Q. How did you find your current partner and what did you learn about yourself whilst looking for him?
Some girlfriends of mine were using dating apps. I was out one night with this group of friends having drinks and I overheard one of them saying to another friend she’d been chatting to a guy she liked the look of, but she had some reservations because on his profile he said he was submissive.
This wasn’t sitting right with her and I could tell she had no knowledge of what that meant. She instantly thought it was weird and perverted and it was a shame as apart from that he seemed like a great guy and he was very attractive.
I didn’t try to correct her assumptions about submissive men as I still wasn’t comfortable sharing what I’d been learning about. The next day I signed up for a dating app, not necessarily to find someone but my interest was piqued by this report of guys openly identifying as submissive. To my surprise there was a lot of guys on this app with similar confessions, so I gathered up the courage after snooping around on there a few days to set up a profile. I made it in the normal way only I added that I was dominant and looking for a submissive type male. Then the flood gates opened, and I was inundated!
It gave me such a confidence boost and made me realise I definitely wasn’t alone in wanting an untraditional type relationship. After several weeks and dates I found my boy. We’re now six years down the line.
Q. How did you go from “inundated” with interest to filtering through to your boy? What advice would you give to other women looking or men advertising themselves?
I sorted through the responses much like you would for any other date interest, you know, location, commitments, character, looks, age etc just with the caveat that they must be submissive. I was somewhat naïve at that stage about submissive men and was probably very lucky to date and choose a guy that was genuinely submissive and looking for something long-term.
In terms of men advertising themselves, this is a massive area and I urge submissive men to do your research. Much has been written on the subject so if you are a sub guy it will vastly improve your chances if you have a well thought out profile and an understanding of how Dominant women liked to be approached online. There are hundreds of sub guys to every openly dominant woman which is a big problem.
You need to stand out and understand how to communicate with Dominant Women before attempting to contact one. I can personally attest to this situation as I run a Tumblr blog about my FLR https://female-led-couple.tumblr.com/ where I get inundated with male subs contacting me daily offering their services.
Good news then for the girls, we obviously have the upper hand and have a lot to choose from however you’re going to have to sort the wheat from the chaff and there are many sub wannabes out there just looking for their fetish fix. Hence the need for the well thought out profile and correct approach boys. Do your research!
Q. What advice would you share for women exploring a FLR? What should women consider when designing their own dynamic?
If you a woman and you’ve come this far and started researching the subject, then well done you! You are a rare breed of person that has the intelligence and courage to go against social norms imposed upon you from a young age and get out there and find what you feel will serve your life best despite what society expects you to do and act like.
If that’s you I salute you and you’re the kind of person I’d love to hear from and connect with. Us FLR woman should stick together, you know where to find me (https://female-led-couple.tumblr.com/).
The great thing about a FLR is there’s no right or wrong way and there’s many levels to suit your style. It is a FEMALE led relationship which means it’s all about you and your personal requirements. You can have a basic wife led style of relationship where you make basic decisions about the direction of your lives all the way through to a kinkier based FLR where he is totally under your direction and control. It is entirely up to you.
A genuine submissive male will support and encourage you, whichever way you decide to steer your relationship together. The levels of trust, intimacy and connection in these relationships is second to none and I couldn’t imagine my life without a submissive partner. It obviously takes time and commitment like any other relationship but once you’ve found your style and rhythm there’s genuinely nothing like a loving, caring FLR
If you think this all sounds too good to be true like I did then you’re in for a pleasant surprise, there are genuinely millions of men out there desperate for this type of dynamic and want nothing more than to support and serve you whole heartedly if you have the courage to lead him on your journey together. With regards to designing your FLR the world is your oyster its entirely about what you desire from your relationship and the direction you want to explore your dominance over him.
Q. What has been most useful in your education and learning about FLR?
It has been great to feel that I’m not alone and there is a huge community out there which is very welcoming and inclusive. There is so much support and great information out there to help you when you start researching it’s like you’ve opened an Aladdin’s cave and a whole new kinky fun world to explore if you want to. The community is a treasure trove of information and has some amazing intelligent people out there. I’m still learning now 5 years into my FLR journey.
There are some great articles, blogs and websites like this one full of information out there and the community can be found on sites like Fetlife and Tumblr. Also, I’ve found some very useful books on the subject of FLR to get you started if you’d prefer to learn more that way.
Q. What qualities do you find most attractive in submissive men?
There are many but what stands out is his bravery and courage to turn his back on what society and culture demands of men these days. A submissive man is generally considered weak, a sissy or a doormat by people who have little knowledge of submissive men, they couldn’t be further from the truth.
Submissive men are brave and intelligent individuals who have turned their back on cultural norms to surrender and obey the woman he loves. They are rare individuals to be cherished by a woman with any sense. In daily life he is likely to be successful, highly motivated, creative, competitive, articulate and intelligent but alone at home with her he is submissive and only truly comfortable and at ease surrendered under her direction and guidance.
When out together in public he will likely to be chivalrous and gentlemanly around you, opening doors, giving up seats, carrying your bags etc. He will be interested in her and her femininity which makes him very attentive to her needs, very obedient and eager to please domestically but also sexually. Trust me you haven’t had an orgasm unless you’ve had a well-trained sub male down on you before.
Above all this however he’s yours to train, mould and lead in your own fashion, there’s nothing quite like it and once the dynamic is set and he’s clear on your expectations and rules no other type of relationship can get near the levels of intimacy and understanding you have between you. It’s the relationship you’ve seen other couples be in and be jealous off, good chance there was FLR or had elements of it naturally.
Q. How have you structured your own FLR? What rules and rituals are in place and how did you go from first date / getting to know you through to collared and compliant?
Firstly, you should know that my FLR is 5 years in and well established with a ton of research done before I even started looking for a sub. So, for some starting out this may seem a little overbearing, however once you start down your chosen FLR style you will probably find you will evolve and grow it as your roles deepen within the relationship.
I have quite a kink orientated style and a big D/s element to my FLR with total power exchange and domestic discipline entwined within it. So, the first thing I should say is I keep my sub hubby in chastity which is quite common with established FLR and require my sub to be naked and collared at home when he’s serving me. It maintains the Dominant submissive dynamic very nicely with little effort on my part which is how things should be for a woman in a FLR.
My sub takes care of all the household chores like cooking, cleaning and laundry and he has set rules and protocols in place to maintain our dynamic which he must remember such as kneeling before me and seeking me out as soon as he’s home to offer his service to me. There are lots of other techniques and skills I’ve learnt over the years to keep my sub in a heighten state of submission to me which I go into great detail in my Tumblr blog if you wish to know more.
Now to some this may seem mean or cruel, but I can assure you my boy has never been happier and is very content under my strict regime for him. I take his health and wellbeing extremely seriously and as such he is a very fit health man both physically and mentally. I’m like a life coach to him as well as his wife and MS as he calls me. We are both very happy with are arrangement and we talk regularly about our dynamic should either of us have concerns or ideas that need changing.
A good FLR is always evolving and adapting as you grow into it together and the orgasms and sex for me is off the chart amazing with a willing submissive male at my beck and call. As I said this level of D/s isn’t for everyone and you can have just as a fulfilling FLR with no or little kink as you want its entirely up to you and how you see the dynamic working for you. Get out there and find a submissive male partner, you won’t regret it I assure you.
Q. For women reading this that are curious and want to know more, what should they do first?
I think it depends on her personal situation. There are three possibilities here:
- Like me she’s fed up with traditional type relationships and is seeking a more female led arrangement
- She’s already in a traditional relationship and wants to approach her partner about her taking more decisions about their relationship
- Her current male partner has submissive feelings and has inquired with her about her taking charge of their relationship.
I imagine in either case she’s feeling a little overwhelmed at this stage but fear not, you are about to start an exciting journey and your home life is about to get a whole lot better. There is a huge amount of information and support out there in any of these situations and I would recommend reading up on the subject as much as possible to discover what steps you can take.
Remember this about you as the woman and not fulfilling what a male partner wants. So, for beginners there are really helpful books to get you started and J.M Scoot is a wonderful lady and has a three-part series called Practical FLR which I highly recommend she also has a Tumblr blog you can check out.
The other book/Manual I would recommend is Scarlet’s Guide (https://scarletsguide.wordpress.com/)
Always remember you are not alone and there is a huge community out there that would be very happy to help you out as best they can with questions and ideas. My door is always open if you want to chat, especially to women reaching out for support. You are about to embark on an incredibly exciting period of your life and I’m kind of jealous as I know what’s in store for you! Good luck and welcome to the FLR community. ~ Sarah